For those of you who are not familiar with my blogging style, I usually have a song or video attached to each post, which has inspired me to write or I was playing while writing. Today it is Mumford & Sons' Ghosts That We Knew.
So...what's been going on? Let me cut right to the chase.
I thought I was living. But I was not. I was living for the sake of, & through others. I guess that's what sometimes happens when you are in a long term partnership.
Don't get me wrong. My ex-husband was (is?) one of the nicest people I know. He once picked up an injured crow, brought it back to his then-trainer's place & got the SPCA to come pick the bird up. Like, who in their right mind picks up a stray animal...& a crow of all things???
But, Life has a strange way of working out. & all of a sudden I was being pulled in a different direction. & I will always feel regret for all the hurt I caused him.
More recently, I got involved with someone whom I thought was perfect. Someone who I saw right through to the depths of his soul. & I lost myself in those depths. He was someone who was drowning & screaming for help. But I was stood at the edge of the river, frustrated at his inability to see that if he would just put his feet down, he could stand up. Throw a life buoy in front of him. He ignores it. Even pushes it away. Continues thrashing in the water.
I lost all self-confidence. Couldn't even take a photo of myself - I would always find something wrong about myself in it. I was not 'allowed' to talk to people he deemed 'inappropriate', not 'allowed' to give my smile freely, not 'allowed' to dress a certain way.
Then there was the cheating, the lying & the emotional manipulation. But let's not get into that. What's the point. In a way it was my fault for letting the situation get out of hand. I realize that now.
You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
'You accept the love you think you deserve.'
I'm tired of being in relationships in which my fullness is not returned. Of course, I definitely agree with & try to practice unconditional love at all times, for any other type of love is just not love. But what to do when there is so much bullshit going on behind your back? Do you just turn a blind eye & continue giving them your all?
Teacher Deep said, '...but first & most importantly - self-love.'
& I have come to know that this is so true.
'Be selfish to be self-less.'
'For only when the jug is full, can water be poured into cups.'
We cannot give to others what we ourselves don't have. When we have so much love inside us, it overflows. Love becomes our natural state of being. & only when that self-love is there, can we establish healthy relationships with others.
So no, I'm not going to accept bullshit behaviour from anyone anymore.
& I have been pretty damn excited for the past few weeks at the prospect of having a solo adventure for a change. I've spent most of my adult life attached to another, so it's extremely liberating to be able to go places, do things, interact, etc. without worrying about what someone else might think about it.
For now, I am responsible only for myself.
When I let go, I stopped being dragged. & the universe opened itself up to me again, in its own serendipitous ways. Kicking myself for always not having faith in the universe & myself.
Today, I opened up an Instagram account. Yes, I am making up for lost time. Damnit, I'm the youngest & the oldest I'll ever be at this moment of time, & I'm sure as hell going to be a narcissist & put myself out into the world if I want to!
& this blog, well besides collecting more tribe members, I need a space to share/discuss my thoughts & experiences, since now no one is obliged to let me talk their ears off...bahahahah..! I suppose even if nobody reads this, I can at least pretend somebody does! Bahahahahah! Nah, it's all about the expression, not repression. & this is one of the few ways for me to express myself.
Life is too short to worry about what others think about you. Even if you love them with all your heart. Because you can't change the minds of people who are committed to misunderstanding you. No matter how good you are, no matter what you do for them; some people will still always think the worst of you.
& that doesn't mean that love was never there. Love is always there. It is the same as how energy is described in physics - it never disappears, it just changes form.
Acceptance of a person is very different from acceptance of their treatment towards you. Does that make sense?
& only when everything is destroyed, can something new begin. I bow to all my soul mates, in all my relationships - thank you for your part in my journey.
Jumping off the edge - geronimo!
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